This Girl Will Inform You

Warning: This post contains spoilers for Transformers II. But if you’re smart you won’t go see it and waste $10.

Don’t go see it.

My friends thought it was epic. I thought it was an epic fail.

What goes on? To be honest, I lost track half way through the movie because I guess I had too much to drink and thought about whether or not my bladder was gonna do a Michael Bay (explode) all over the theatre seats.

So.. Sam is going away to college. Finds a shard of the AllSpark. Gives it to his girlfriend. Goes to college. Meets room mates. Weird shit happens. Girlfriend goes to college to see him “cheating” on her with a robot (fembot ftw!). She gets mad… fembot goes totally pyscho attacks them. They drive away (after running fembot over) and get captured by Megatron (who was brought back to life? and went to his planet and talked to an old megatron dude named “the Fallen”) They want what’s in his brain.

And basically the rest of the movie is running from Megatron and his posse. Optimus dies. And they meet this old decepticon who switched sides to autobots. And he tells them about the Prime (yes like Optimus Prime) and this Matrix key… and how it’s in Egypt with three kings or something. So they find this key and it turns to dust and Sam gets sad because he was gonna use it to bring Optimus Prime back to life.

So the army shows up or something and there’s a lot of “clean” choreographed explosions (the kind that look like fireworks) and shit as Sam and his girlfriend and his room mate and other dude run run run run run. And then Sam dies, but is brought back to life by the ancient Primes and they tell him the Matrix key is not found it’s earned. So they give him the key and then he shoves the key into Optimus Prime’s chest and brings him back to life. And the old decepticon turned autobot is all like, “HAVE MY PARTS!”

So Optimus Prime kicks all their butts and yeah.That’s about all there is to it.

I really liked the first Transformers movie and I was incredibly let down by this one. Even the effects were laaaaame. I counted 24 matte lines (if you’re a compositor or VFX artist at all you’ll know what I mean) and the 3d in it was very… VERY obvious. A lot of it looked to me like plastic and it would have looked better if they just did the entire movie as a Lego miniture set thing. Seriously.

The dialogue was cheesey. The plot was overly chaotic, messy, and unbalanced. The entire movie was just about all explosions. There wasn’t any rest time for me to catch up with the plot because there was a building being crushed very other second.

I cannot convey in words how much I disliked this movie. Mr. Bay did a TERRIBLE job. He basically “masturbated away $200 million.” I hope for the sake of the franchise and the health of my eyes that they do not make a Transformers III.

Dear Michael Bay,

You suck.

<3sc